Catharsis

Content note: mentions of emotional and physical abuse of a child. Mild descriptions of abusive relationships.

 

If you’ve been wondering where Inner Pod (or any of my other projects) has gone, this will hopefully explain why. If you want to avoid reading the details: tl;dr I cut off contact with my family)

I’ve been itching to write this out, let it all out for catharsis. This is what came out. 💜

Continue reading “Catharsis”

Submission #2: Please don’t call me brave

I speak a lot about my mental illness. Anxiety is a tricky one to speak about. It’s not as stigmatised as other mental illnesses, it’s something people can relate to; we’ve all been anxious. The flipside is people don’t understand or know the difference between anxiety the emotion and anxiety the diagnosis. This is (partly) why I talk about it: let’s educate and break some stigma. I also talk about it because it helps me. Putting words to thoughts and feelings, no matter how irrational, is part of the playbook for treating anxiety. Talking about it openly to other people helps me specifically look after my anxiety. In framing my words to help other people try to understand, I further understand myself.

I’ve never had a bad response to talking about mental health, which is an amazing sign. That I can be so vulnerable and the communities I’m in pick me up and bolster me blows me away. It gives me hope that other people will see it and come forward themselves. I don’t want to corner the market on talking about mental illness in Software Testing.

What I also get a lot is superlatives: real, raw, honest. Brave. The last one makes me twitch.

Before I start unpacking I want to make it clear that I am overwhelming grateful for the support I get. I know that it is a compliment and I appreciate it. I even understand it. It’s taken me years to sort out my issues with this word. I’ve talked it out with a few of you who may be reading this (including a very drunken conversation with Andrew Morton before my talk at Testbash). I’m ready to do what I know will help me: put it into words, and shove it out into the open.

When I’m ill, bravery is unfathomable. I can barely deal with the shower, never mind bravery. If we keep saying that getting help and speaking out is brave, what message are we sending?

I know that getting help is a massive deal: navigating doctors who may not understand, therapists that might not gel, medication that might not work, getting time off work or school, never mind the stigma and the shame: it’s exhausting. But if we keep making a big deal of it, it will continue to be a big deal.

We can’t fix the gauntlet of treating mental illnesses entirely (individual psychology and biology means that it’s always going to be throwing treatments at the wall and hoping something sticks), but we can get rid of the shame and stigma that puts people off going as early as they should. I think part of that is making the idea of talking to medical professionals about any medical condition something that is entirely normal to do.

The same goes for talking out. Again, I absolutely agree that telling someone you’re suffering can totally be a shitting bricks moment, but talking about any bad news can be a shitting bricks moment.

Telling my teammate I have a chronic physical condition and a chronic mental condition should be equally serious (or mundane).

This is a bit more dicey as due to stigma and people not knowing how to deal with people sharing mental health struggles you may have to try to deal with unwanted emotions. This is largely the same with more serious physical health conditions, especially the less understood ones (Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, etc) or cancers which people generally panic about. I’d rather not be called brave for doing either though.

I’m now a trained Mental Health First Aider. I wear a different coloured lanyard at work, signalling loud and clear that I am willing and able to help people who are struggling. I am a person who is safe to go to. We do lots at work to point people to the resources available to them, and we normalise it as much as we can. I also want to try and offer resources for anyone to use. I want us all to use the resources that work for us to keep on top of our own mental health, just like you do with your physical health.

You mental health is a massive part of your physical health (your brain being part of your body and all). If we elevate one part of it to be brave to even discuss, how can we hope to make it easier to treat?

I also am aware that plenty of people with mental health issues think that it is brave to do this stuff. That thriving when mentally ill takes bravery, and I commend that, I do. I’m not here to say people shouldn’t claim that for themselves, only that it doesn’t feel comfortable to me.

Call me strong, fine. Stubborn, fuck yes: the only reason I’m still in testing is I’m too stubborn to let me own brain screw this up for me.

But please don’t call me brave.

An Announcement

Hello listeners!

Over the past 7 months we’ve had 9 excellent episodes. Don’t worry, this isn’t a final episode. It’s just a change. Inner Pod is moving to a series or season format. Let’s call this the end of season 0. Season 1 will start in the autumn.

Talking about mental health is, unsurprisingly, hard. On top of this, life happens, schedules move, (both mine and my guests) and this means episodes get delayed. So I’ve come to the conclusion I’d rather spend some time getting a run of episodes together, release them regularly, then repeat the process. This will remove all subconscious pressure to get an episode out and free me and my guests up to focus on telling the best story they can.

I am definitely not giving up the podcast. I have 4 or 5 people who want to come on the show, who are in various stages of working on their episodes.

While I’m here, I wanted to go through the process in a bit more detail in case people were curious about coming on the show, or wanted more details before committing.

It starts by getting in contact. Sometimes I’ll contact you, but a lot of the time, you’ll need to contact me, at least in passing. Then we chat and decide if it makes sense to continue/if you’re comfortable with it. We decided on a format (just a chat? Would you rather have a formal structure?), and anything you definitely want to touch on/definitely want to avoid.

Once you’re happy, we record. Then I go away and edit and send over to you for approval. You may decide after talking to me that you don’t want to listen. That’s fine. If you want to listen to give final approval, that’s great. Any edit notes, I’m happy to make them. You want the episode to not go out after all? Fine. This isn’t an episode of Inner Pod, it’s your episode or submission. If you’re not comfortable, it doesn’t get published. I can’t control what happens once it’s out there, but I can give you control of what goes out and when.

At no point is there any obligation. At any point you can decide not to be on the show, and that’s fine.

All of this does not link to an episode every two weeks. It just doesn’t. So, time for a change. Like I said, I have a few people ready to come on the show, and plenty of space for more. I might put some written submissions or bonus episodes out in the meantime.

Thank you so much for your support, and see you in a few months!

Episode 9: Sarah on a little bit of everything

This week I talk to Sarah Fader from Stigma Fighters! We talk about humour as a coping mechanism, physical exhaustion as a remedy for anxiety and not giving a fuck.

Stigma Fighters is another place where people can share their experiences with mental health issues, please check out and maybe consider contributing. They also have an anthology of submissions, and teeshirts for sale!

Episode 8: Neil on talking

This week I talk to Neil Studd. We talk about talking: talking to other people when you’re having a rough time, and how it can really help get through tough times. We also talk about social media and how that can be a blessing or a curse when it comes to mental health.

Further reading/links:

The Battle with yourself: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/battle-yourself-neil-studd
The Happiness Advantage: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Advantage-Principles-Psychology-Performance/dp/0753539470
Screen Testing: http://screentesting.libsyn.com/

Episode 7: Ed on OSMI

Joining me on Inner Pod this time is Ed Finkler! Ed is a developer, podcaster, and as of this month, a full time mental health activist!

He founded OSMI, a non-profit dedicated to changing mental health in the tech community. Not only do they want to encourage people to be open about their mental health, they also have workbooks and resources so companies and organisations can change their thinking and processes around mental health.

We talk about his own mental health and how he went from tech talks at conferences to mental health talks to working full time for a non-profit dedicated to it, crowd-funding, what companies can do to help everyone with their mental health and much more.

OSMI is currently going through a funding round, with some great rewards for donating. Find out more and give if you can here.

Episode 6: Liv on recovery

Content notes: Addiction and recovery (alcohol, prescription painkillers), food and relationships to food.

I talk to Liv from Liv’s Recovery Kitchen! We discuss her recovery from addiction, moving to America to make it as a writer, moving from writing for recovery to writing as a career, and cooking and food.

Liv can be found at http://www.livsrecoverykitchen.com/ and I highly recommend checking it out, she does great interviews, and recipes, and some wonderful writing about healing and recovery.

Episode 4: Chad on Teenagerhood

This month I talk to Chad Gowler about growing up, mental health, and what adults can do for an with young people who are suffering mental health issues.

Trigger warnings for discussion of self-harm.

Chad and I talk about growing up:

  • Growing up queer
  • Growing up an outcast
  • Mental health and teenagers
  • Self-harm
  • Reactions of parents/teachers/authority figures to teenagers discussing mental health

Submission #1: Sean on bereavement

When I’m asked now if I have any brothers or sisters I usually say no. Unless I’m teased about being an only child, or the point is laboured I don’t say that I didn’t grow up alone. It’s just easier because I’ve never really found an easy way of explaining it to people: on 25 January 1998 when I was 22 my 19 year old sister was violently murdered by a stranger she met out one night. I want to try and explain a little as to how this has affected me and how I’m trying to overcome it.

After her death the guy responsible was quickly caught and arrested. There really wasn’t any mystery to what happened: he was a violent man with a history of being abusive to women and something unpleasant was going to happen sooner or later. A trial was set for October. Between January and October my parents and me had constant support from both victim support and police family liaison and we focussed on the trial.

The guy pleaded not guilty but the evidence was overwhelming. We attended court every day but some of the evidence presented was utterly haunting. It’s hard to explain what hearing information like that about my sister, someone I grew up with and was close to, did to me. It completely broke me. The trial lasted two weeks and it took the jury 25 minutes to convict him of murder.

After the trial was over I stayed living and working down near my parents for a while but missed my friends from Manchester and eventually moved back. I started a job with a web development company, got on well with the people that had set that up, and ended up helping to run and grow it over a period of 10 years. I threw myself into that, which kept my mind occupied at work, and would do everything I could at home to avoid being alone in my thoughts.
I was totally emotionally shut down; I didn’t have any kind of relationship with anybody for about 13 years. Since 2010 I’ve tried to sort myself out and re-engage with the world with varying degrees of success. My ability to deal with stress now is much poorer than it was. Being a web developer, the way I look at it is that a large part of my brain’s power is permanently devoted to trying to process this thing that happened, so that when stressful situations do arise I have less capacity to deal with them.

I’ve always had difficulties dealing with social situations. Before my sister died my brain was nimble enough to work around them but now they often overwhelm me. I have difficulties reading situations, understanding people’s intentions and am often just baffled by what’s going on. That leaves me very anxious, sometimes in a deep state of paranoia and when it’s at its worst I feel like I’m in a constant state of miscommunication with people.
So what have I learnt from all this? Primarily the importance of peer support. I’ve 5 friends that have been incredibly patient and understanding. We’ve all been through a lot together and without their support I don’t know what state I’d be in. Secondly, shortly after my sister died I was told “time’s a healer” and I remember feeling quite angry as I didn’t want to contemplate a time when what had happened didn’t matter. Of course it’s never going to not matter but the pain has definitely eased.

I’ve written this down now because this year is going to be hard. The guy who killed my sister has been in prison 19 years and is due for release this year. I need to write a victim statement for the probation service and in doing so think about what’s happened all over again. I don’t quite trust myself to avoid my own self destruction but now I have an imperative because life has been cruel to my parents again: my dad retired in March 2015 and was looking forward to spending a happy retirement with my mum when sadly he died suddenly in October 2015. My mum’s disabled so now suddenly I find myself in a parental role which feels strange. I really need to be a functional human being right now.

To do that I’m going to try and apply the things I’ve learnt. Firstly by talking about how I feel. A lot. Writing this is the first part of that. I think talking to others who have also lost siblings would help. If that’s you and you’d like to talk about it please email me at sean@sean-maloney.com. It’s said that keeping fit and exercise is as good as taking an anti-depressant for mental health. I’ve never been an exercise kind of guy but I’m trying. I’ve found CBT useful in the past for trying to break out of harmful thought patterns and that could be beneficial, especially for the social anxiety. It requires work to be put in to get good results and I need to make sure I do that.

There are no guarantees but I’m feeling tentatively hopeful of getting through the next year or two and staying healthy.